Thoughts while watching the Idol finals tonight, coming to you live from the Nokia Theater here in LA LA land!

David Cook opened with U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. Not as good as Bono for sure, but an energetic performance of a song I love. I liked it. Simon likes it. Randy torpedoes it (big surprise, he is pimpin’ hard for Baby David). Paula says something but no one is listening.

Baby David sings a maudlin (what a surprise) Elton John song (Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me). He always looks as if he is in pain or constipated or something. Andrew Lloyd Weber told him to keep his eyes open. The teenyboppers go wild and Randy Jackson can’t contain himself as he pimps for this kid to win. Paula squees. Simon gives the round to Baby David, who continues to look surprised anyone likes him. Yawn.

David Cook starts the second round of unknown songs with something called Dream Big. Sounds like what I call airwave filler. Ho hum on that song. His performance was great, but the song might kill him.

So will we get anything other than a miasma-filled ballad from Baby David? I am breathless with anticipation. Oh of course not, it is another slow dreary thing that he can emote on. Talk about a one-note Nellie. If he sang something that wasn’t a “soaring ballad”, I would keel over. Bor-ing. Randy again says Twee David can sing the phone book. Paula says it is why he is in the competition. Simon says it is the better song and gives the round to him again. The judges are relentlessly championing him. I just threw up in my mouth a little. He is so sweet and precious my teeth ache.

David Cook sings a song by Collective Soul–I like it. The audience will not know it. I think he is very talented and a more mature artist. But that is not what Idol is about now, is it? He does a great job, I would buy it.

Oh God. Little David is going to sing “Imagine” again. Why must they torment the soul of John Lennon once more? This is my favorite song in all the world–and he turns it into a vocal gymnastic show, stripping the song of its haunting beauty. Randy has an orgasm as he screams his love for it. Paula babbles about his beautiful spirit. Simon says he has won. Was there ever any doubt he would? The judges have been pimping him since day one, and have given him almost no criticism. He is nothing but a teen idol–a cute face who can sing, but has little artistic ability and about as much personality as my shoe. But the judges have decreed it and so it is written.

I think David Cook will have the better career though.

Along with 95% of the people watching American Idol, I think the show is so rigged. They threw Syesha under the bus last night, and I fully expect her to be gone tonight. She is beautiful and talented, but the producers of that show want Baby David to be the Idol so badly, they will kill off anyone who stands in his way. Why else would they give Syesha a song from fricking “Happy Feet”? I mean, who the hell thought that was a great song choice? And then Paula–who never says anything bad about anyone–says “I don’t think this was your song”. Well, duh! Who the hell would claim this lame song? It felt like she was deliberately sabotaged, to be honest.

Baby David was horrible. HORR.IB.LE. He is like this creepy little wind-up performer. Watching him sing the Chris Brown song was just uncomfortable–he is as authentic to that song as 50 Cent is to an Osmonds tune. He tried to move a little from his usual deer-in-the-headlights stage pose, and that resulted in some awkward hip waggling that was just embarrassing. And then he sang “Longer”–a chestnut from like 1976. Oh geez, that one is drearier than death. And another boring, miasma-filled song that I cannot remember. Every week, his performance is the same. Boring ballads seem to be all he knows–and week after week, no one calls him on it. The judges were awful to Sanjaya last year–and he was horrible–but at least he tried to be creative and knew who he was. He was not given a pass due to his age or the fact that teeny-boppers loved him.

David Cook, as always, rocked the house. I groaned at Simon’s choice of song for him (The First Time Ever I saw Your Face) but he worked it and made me like it. David Cook deserves the title–and if Baby David wins, I am never watching this show again.